there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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