Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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