im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
