i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
