my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So much Jack, so little girl.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
