it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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