we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
