You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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