Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
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There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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