My nipple is on Facebook.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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