Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
