Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
