God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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