i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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