I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
