Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
