When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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