She's like a pop up book from hell.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
