Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2