I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
