Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
