I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
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Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"