Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
