Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
