Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
