I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
