paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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