That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
