Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
