Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
