My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
