So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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