I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
