the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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