i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
