I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
