Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
