dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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