is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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