I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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