I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
