can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
