One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
