I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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