I'm eating all of the evidence.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
