tonight lets celebrate not being married
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
