She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
