Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
