battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
