There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
