ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
