So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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