I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
