you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
