she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
