.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
